DON'T MAKE ME LOOK FAT DAMMIT...
So often thought, so seldom said... unless you are a wedding photographer. We are supposed to take our magical photoshop wands and put on the "skinny" lens to accomplish the impossible. Thanks for putting that kind of pressure on our careers when you could have simply put down the damn ding dong (ho-ho, Twinkies, snicker ice cream bar) and made yourself look thinner. In an effort to sound much less of a douche, I am on your side of the buffet table... I too am fat. And I have decided to take a stand. I am going to loose weight and become a better person..... or at least a smaller person. So if you see me at a wedding, snapping pictures with one hand and sampling your cake icing with the other, slap me... I mean it. Remove the two cheeseburgers that I have hidden in my camera bag and throw them at me. I will probably parry with the large order of fries that is stealthily placed behind my chocolate milkshake but by God, give it your best shot.
I had the privilege of dining with some lovely folks at a dinner gala the other evening and lovely Amanda doodled me a wonderful drawing of me taking photos. All I asked was "don't make me look fat" and somewhere inside my fat swollen head I was thinking... "too late chubby" so I calmly put down my neighbor's desert and got back to work. Here is the artist rendering of the event and as you can see, she was nice enough to not make me look fat. (and gave me good hair, which was my other vane request) By now you're thinking, dude's got some issues. Well, maybe I do but I am going to do something about it.... My appointment with Sy Sperling and the hair club for men is next week. The next time you see me, it's long locks of hair around a hallow sunken face of a starving man.... Thank you VANITY for all you have given me.
